Clarkypants Press

Well, hello. Come on in. On your own? Most folk come here in twos, but everyone’s welcome. Not everyone can boast an extensive social circle.

Just sit down there a moment, next to the pile of sage and onions. I’ll just light the pilot in the oven, and then I’ll be right with you. Management constantly nagging me to switch to electric – apparently it’s more ‘efficient’ – but I do like a bit of tradition. Not everything needs to change.

I must say, you’re not who I was expecting at this time of day; but that code’s displayed in so many places now, it’s not easy to predict who I’ll get and when. The original boy and girl – they were such a nightmare. Greedy brats, always breaking off chunks of the place; and their father did a whole load of damage with his axe. The place needed extensive remodelling, but the stories don’t mention that do they? Nor the expense. Finding builders with the skills to work with confectionery is neither cheap nor easy. Not in this day and age.

Visiting the park alone, were you? Left your dog tied up outside the café? Don’t worry about him. No, there, there, don’t cry, he’ll be looked after. We round them up after closing and take them to the rescue centre just outside the park. They’re usually easy to rehome, always well-trained and friendly; and we can’t leave them roaming in Forest Fairytales Park, some say there are wolves here, but I don’t know about that, not nowadays. All our woodcutters keep the numbers down…

Family? No? Ah – husband left you? So sorry to hear that; but look on the bright side – no one to miss you. Less messy all round. Fewer questions. And men can be such a bother now, can’t they?

OK. Let’s have a proper look. Shirt off. And your jeans. Yes, of course shoes and socks. Dumb question. Underwear too.

Hmm. Levis – they’ll do alright on Vinted. Your Nikes are a right state – but I guess that’s only to be expected if you wear them for dog walking. Red All Saints hoodie – that should sell well too.

Now. Rub the oil all over – you’re a bit on the lean side, you’ll need the extra moisture. No, I’m not gonna take your gag off. I can’t hear exactly what you’re saying, but I’ve probably heard it all before, anyway: “Not your fault, you just scanned the code.”

What did you think? Witches don’t move with the times? Don’t do tech? Get real, lady, we’re not all still stirring cauldrons and riding brooms, you know. Speaking of which – yes! – car keys. Merc? G-Wagon, by any chance? My lucky day. Yes, and your phone. Samsung Galaxy Note? Lower resale value than an iPhone 12, but it should do ok on eBay.

OK, the oven’s up to temperature. Hope you don’t mind sharing with a tray of Brownies. I do love a Brownie, very satisfying seeing them all lined up in rows and columns. Slight crunch on the outside, gooey in the centre. All scanned the code together, bless ‘em. Pack outing.

I’ll turn it back down when the Brownies are done. Long pig pulled pork – our best-selling sandwich. So many people want the recipe, they can’t resist scanning the code on the menu and then… Oh, hang on – that’s exactly what you did, isn’t it?