Clarkypants Press

Sucker! Yes, you. Sucker.

S U C K E R!

Welcome to CircleOne. The entry-level experience here at New Dawn Rising.

Call me Meph. I’m here to do your induction.

It does take a while to get used to the temperature. I always tell newbies to blame global warning. Climate change denier yourself, are you? Yeah, we get a lot of your type.

I’ve tried to turn the temps down, I really have. Not least, because I get through so much deodorant. Got scientists looking into it and everything. But we have to keep it at least 160 Celsius; and we can’t substitute anything else for the old yellow stuff. It’s the “ambience”, you know. People expect the sulphur. It’s like our signature fragrance.

Refund? You’re having a laugh, mate. The code’s a one-way ticket. A contract, see. You scanned it willingly. There’s no going back on it. If I bend the rules for one, the place falls apart. Literally. The architecture of this place is pretty finely balanced anyway, it’s not easy to build a multi-level cantilevered concentric circular structure entirely in heat-resistant materials.

You’ve got to be mad enough and greedy enough to scan the code. It’s a really effective filter. Ensures we only get applicants with the morals of a snake. Those who think the way to get on is on the backs of others.

Now, I’m not really one to talk about morals. I didn’t exactly get the highest appraisals in my first job. In fact, the big boss called this a demotion, though I’d have to disagree. I’m far better suited to this role, though if I’m brutally honest, the first millennium or two down here were actually really challenging for me, but I worked through it. Took me ages to acclimatise to the heat.

But I’ve made it my own, see. These circles – yeah, look down, great view from here, isn’t it? It’s my favourite, in fact. It’s so much harder to see upwards from the lower levels, the smoke gets in your eyes. Oh, you will go up top again. Yeah. I’ve just gotta get someone to read you the small print first. The guidelines. So you know how it all operates when you go back.

No, it shouldn’t take that long. Yeah, you might get a parking ticket, depends where you left it. What? Mwahahahah. Fucking idiot, yeah, they’ll definitely clamp you there. They’re on my payroll.

No, you can’t get a discount. Should have read the signs properly. Shouldn’t have thought special rules apply to you.

So. Hand me your soul. Now, we take excellent care of souls down here. It goes in a locked security box – fireproof, obvs. Keycoded – those little QR codes are so handy aren’t they? Versatile. We invented them, did you know that? Put them through some Japanese tech firm to give them credibility. They wouldn’t have caught on so quick otherwise.

No – you get to keep your phone. Nice, by the way. Good choice. You’re gonna need all that memory on it, for the assignments we have for you. And the fancy camera. No, people won’t be able to tell. You were already dead behind the eyes anyway.

Right – that’s my bit over. You’ll need to go down to Level 4 for processing. Might wanna take your jacket off, it’s a good bit warmer down there. No aircon.

No, we won’t meet again. Well, not unless you breach the contract. And then – well then, you’ll damn well know about it.